I was in preschool when I met Marissa. She was quirky, with big bows in her brown hair, freckles across her nose, and the pickiest palate known to childkind. But we were inseparable. And with daily play dates, carpools and dance lessons, our moms became best friends too.
Marissa’s mom, Rhonda, was like a second mom to me. She’d make me after school snacks, put BandAids on my scraped knees, and drive me home in the middle of the night when I changed my mind about the sleepover. She watched me grow from a toddler to a teenager, and didn’t miss a milestone.
That’s why I remember her so vividly. I remember her pointy nose that swooped upwards like Samantha’s in Bewitched. I remember her healthy cookbooks, tiny frame, and big curly hair. And her closet—filled with a hundred high heels—could never be forgotten.
Rhonda was 45, strong, obsessively healthy, and, to this day, a medical anomaly. She died of lung cancer on June 20, 2002, but never smoked a day in her life. She was that .001 percent.
I remember our visits to Rhonda’s house became more frequent the months before she passed. I’ll never forget our last visit though. Mom went straight into the kitchen to speak with the Hospice nurse before sitting in bed with Rhonda. Marissa and I played in the backyard before running in the house and climbing onto the bed. We sat criss-cross-apple-sauce, next to our mothers, singing Green Day.
Rhonda was bald, skeletal, and frail. Her wig laid on the night table, next to a dozen orange pill bottles.
We said goodbye, gave Rhonda a kiss, and left to run errands.
On that miserably hot, Phoenix summer day, Mom dropped her cell phone in the grocery store parking lot. It shattered on the asphalt as she crouched to the floor and put her face in her hands. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as Dad helped her into the car.
“Get in the backseat and don’t say a word,” he said to me.
But I knew something was wrong. I had never seen Mom cry before. “Who called you?” I asked.
No answer.
“Mom? Please….what’s wrong?”
Mom ignored me. She stared blankly out the window until we pulled into our driveway. She ran into the house as dad and I watched her from the car.
Dad turned around and said, “Rhonda died.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry sweetheart,” he said.
“No, Dad. I was just there two hours ago. She was there. We sang Green Day together. We sang the Time of Your Life!”
My dad looked at me until it finally registered.
“How?” I asked.
“The cancer caused her body to stop functioning properly,” Dad said softly. “She couldn’t fight it anymore.”
“Why didn’t God help her?”
My dad’s eyes filled with tears as he watched me struggle to understand what had just happened.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”
Dad left to go help Mom inside the house. I sat in the car. Confused, angry, sad, and then confused again.
That was the moment that I lost faith in a God. I felt betrayed and debilitated. If God existed, he wouldn’t have let Rhonda died. He wouldn’t have let Marissa, a 12-year-old girl, grow up without a mother. He wouldn’t have stripped my mom of her best friend.
But even after Rhonda was gone, Marissa and I remained best friends. Mom made us snacks after school, took us to dance lessons, and hosted our birthday parties. She did—and still does—everything to make sure Marissa grows up with a mother figure.
The journey to discovering that (I believe) there is no God was hard. There’s no other word to describe it. A 12-year-old girl goes through enough changes and mood swings as it is. To throw my first experience with death into the mix was…hard.
Eight years later, I still believe there is no God. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. The love of my family is enough that I don’t need heaven. I won a huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day.
Believing there’s no God means I can’t really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That’s good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.
Believing there is no God means the suffering I’ve seen in my friends and family, and indeed all the suffering in the world, isn’t caused by an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent force that isn’t bothered to help or is just testing us, but rather something we all may be able to help others with in the future. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. That’s it.
Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, friends, people, love, truth, beauty, chocolate, and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.
I thank Rhonda for helping me learn that.
*RIP Rhonda. I love you.
April 20, 2010
Categories: Uncategorized . . Author: lrosenblum . Comments: Leave a Comment